Mountain Flowers

Where we went camping, it was absolutely gorgeous! There were wildflowers EVERYWHERE! There were these beautiful purple flowers that would just cascade down the mountains, where no human could tread.

It seemed like this was the closest thing to heaven that I have been since I have held my sweet little girl. It was so bittersweet to be surrounded by Heavenly Father's magnificent creations and to

have that feeling well inside you that you know that there IS a God, and that he made all of these incomprehensible things. I felt the veil very thin as a gazed around me. I made a CD the night before the funeral of music that brought me peace and that could be played before and after the funeral. I was listening to this as we took a mountain drive and felt really close to my daughter. At the same time, I felt this ripping from my chest of the unfairness of it all. I wished that she was there with our family. As little as she would be, she would still be there with us.

Flowers seem to remind me of Phoebe. The sweet delicate nature and the intense beauty that they seem to possess. With one uncareful step, they could be crushed. I could stare at blossoms with all of their uniqueness
glory in their beauty. I couldn't have stared any more than I did with my sweet child and glory in her beauty.

As we drove an unpaved backroad to Georgetown, I felt this big knot in my chest. I stared out the window like a little girl seeing snow fall for the first time. I tried to wrap my mind around the intense beauty I was seeing and couldn't help but feel as if my sweet Phoebe loves nature. That she would be right along Emily, tramping up the mountain side with pigtails flying and dirt under the fingernails. I got the feeling that she glories in our Father in Heaven's creations as much as I do. I felt her presence near, and it killed me. With silent tears rolling down my cheeks, I listened as the happy chatter in the car enjoyed the sharp corners with their hands in the air as if they were on a roller coaster. I smiled. I grieved. I laughed as they made silly potty jokes. I cried as I thought about what I wished I had.


I have never felt so close to Heaven, and yet so faraway. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel close to heaven with out having the constant hole in my heart throbbing to have my daughter again. I am glad she is safe and sound. Truly I am. To know that I will have her again to raise from infancy is blessed knowledge. To not have her here with me is torture.