Monday, June 30, 2008

Happenings of last week

So all week long I captured some moments that I thought would be a good thing to post for that day. The problem is, I never posted any of them! So you will just have to endure lots of pictures!

We will start off with Hyrum.... Oh Hyrum.... he is sooo BUSY lately! His new thing is the fridge and the pantry. This is what I found one morning.

Of course Hyrum, would open and shut the door saying "Peep-ba-boo",
as if he is adorable or something....

Wait, is that an onion in his hand? Yep! Go ahead Hyrum,
take a nice big bite.... :)

Needless the say, the flour is now way up high.
Thanks Hyrum, for getting my house even more baby proof!

Now on to my sweet daughter who is 3 going on 30. She has now decided that she likes to do her nails at least once a day, and that she would prefer to do them herself. I found her outside one morning, actually, now that I think about it, it was the SAME morning as Hyrum's flour incident... fun.... She and Aaron were doing their own nails. Here is her first nail job by herself.

Is that Lipstick on her lips? Nope, just nail polish... nice...

And last but not least, I had to share a moment with you that I had yesterday. Many of you know that I have had a perpetual two-year-old since Ammon was two. Well the chain hasn't been broken. The nice thing is, the older siblings have been pivotal in making sure that the up and coming 2 year old knows that tricks of the trade. What is Emily doing you may ask? Well sticking a shoelace into the locked bathroom door to unlock it of course! An invention passed down from Tyler to Aaron and on to Emily.

Our family was snuggled down for our Sunday movie,
and I look over to see Hyrum doing this. Notice the smile on Emily's face. Proud, proud sibling.

After the lock was popped, Emily, slipped into the bathroom and locked the door again. Either she wanted Hyrum to practice again, or she really needed to go!

Hyrum wasn't too thrilled about either prospect!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Went to the doctor's

Here's a quick update. We met with a perinatologist yesterday to discuss possible reasons why Phoebe died. Basically... they don't know. The placenta was "normal" and she looked "normal" which means that it is highly unlikely that she had a genetic problem and that it is highly unlikely it will happen again in the next pregnancy. We also had a chromosomal test done and that was normal as well. Overall, we really didn't learn anything new, just a confirmation that they will watch me a lot closer next time. We really do have peace that Heavenly Father just needed her home. I don't think anything could have been done differently. She was too pure, too lovely to be in this world. Even still, I miss her.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Oooo Twlight!

I hosted book club at my house last week. I have to admit, I had a lot of fun putting together the party. How can you NOT go all out when you are reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer! I realized a few things though. There are only 24 hours during the day! I had tried to cram way to many things the day of, so I had to call my friend Denise to see if she could bail me out. She saved the day! Denise helped with the Candied Apples.

Do you like our vampire stew?

Neither of us had ever made them before. Let's just say they turned out a little bit... Crunchy! Thanks Heidi for the use of your food coloring. I should probably return the rest of it to you before the monkeys find it! :)

I had a lot of fun coming up with different ideas for the book club. I ended up doing a trivia game, which in the end, we realized that none of us were true "Twilight fanatics" because we only got a handful of questions right. Let's just say, I was glad I didn't have to come up with the answers, I didn't know most of them either! It was still a lot of fun. It also brought out some interesting questions . Most of us were on the "Edward side" me included, a few were for Jacob, and some were both!

I had the most fun doing the food. Here are a couple of pictures I took. I planned on taking more, but the party was so fun, I forgot! There were 13 of us total.... spooky!

"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?"
-- Bella

The forbidden fruit :)

Overall, it was great, and I was exhausted by the end of the night. I can't wait until August 2nd for the next book. I love this series! If you haven't read it, you should. If you need more info let me know, I will hook you up!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Fun Fun Family Fun!

I finally got my way! For a very long time, I have been wanting any activity that the kids would let the kids be excited to be in our backyard. I didn't care if it was a swing set, sand box, or trampoline. Anything would be great. Well with school getting out in a week, I knew the time had come. I left Martin mowing the lawn and preparing for the "surprise" while I went in search of the trampoline.

We told the kids that if they went to bed nicely they would wake up with the surprise in the backyard. After Martin and I stayed up until MIDNIGHT setting it up, we finally got to sleep around 1 am. I had a feeling our kids wouldn't stay in bed for much longer. I was right.

5:30 am rolled around. All of the kids came to our bedroom window, peeked outside, and their faces lit up like it was Christmas morning! Let's just say, I am sure our neighbors are going to LOVE their early morning wake up call from now on!

They have been jumping all morning and my house has been mercifully saved! Hooray! Here are some fun family pictures we took.

Looking at the airlplanes and the "fluff"
(seeds falling from the trees)
Tricks from the kids

The heigth of Martin's backflip....

Sorry, couldn't end without this "normal" picture! :)

Monday, June 9, 2008

Thank You

Where do I begin? Let me start with this.

"God does notice us, and he watches over us.
But it is usually through another mortal
that he meets our needs."
Spencer W. Kimball

As I have been going through this entire process, I have been constantly amazed by the incredible outreach of love and service that our family has received. I feel overwhelmed in the responsibility to "pay it forward". I will be paying it for a very long time! I wish I had enough mental capacity to thank each and every one of you with a personal note of thanks. Please let this suffice for now.

For most of my married life, I found a lot of happiness serving other people at every possible opportunity. I loved to strengthen the feeble knees and lift the hands that hung down and to feed the hungry. My heart would hurt every time I heard of a hardship of someone else and would try everything in my power to help. It is strange, now that I am the one who needs strengthened and my hands lifted, it is difficult! I often say, "I wish I was a big girl again!" I wish I could do everything I could before we lost the baby. I am realizing though, that I am still learning about being on the other side.

I wish I could describe to you every single sweet gift, phone call, act of service and everything else I have been given. I know that MANY people have been prompted in their own way to serve me and my family. My heartfelt thanks for your obedience to the spirit. You don't know how many prayers have been answered because of your willingness to serve.

As I continue to go through this process, I realize that this is going to take a lot longer to get through than I had hoped. I so appreciate the continued small acts of service, emails, phone calls, that are still coming. It astounds me. I don't know how long this is going to take to heal from, but I am sustained knowing that I have you as my support.

A few years ago, I was pondering the scripture in Matthew 11:38:
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light, and then another scripture came to my mind in Mosiah 18:8: ...and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light. I had always wondered how that Lord could be with every person and make their burdens light. It just didn't add up. And then I realized, as we take upon ourselves to live our lives as Christ lived, we are taking upon ourselves his yoke. The burden becomes light by those that have promised to live the same way. It's a two-way street! I am so grateful to all those that have helped to make my burdens light. So many people have said to me at how they are amazed at my strength and ability to get through this. I have to say that it wasn't me that got me through, it was all of you. It sounds cheesy any way I try to put it, but I really can't describe how truly grateful I am for your service to me and my family.

May you each be blessed both individually and your families for the love, support, prayers, gifts, emails, phone calls, cards, comments on my blog :), meals, watching my monkeys, and anything else you have done. I know that you will be blessed for your service. This journey is easier because of you.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Lead Kindly Light

Lead Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene;

one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife

In the calm light of everlasting life.

These are the lyrics to the song that brought and still brings comfort to me. It was sung at the funeral and it plays over and over in my mind. I love the third verse where it talks about "those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost awhile." I can't help but think of my little angel.

If you would like to hear the music, there is a youtube link to your right. Just click on the top picture and it will automatically play for you. Thank you for all of your sweet comments and for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Chapter 5

Although MANY other events and miracles happened between Friday and Monday, I would like to skip to the day where I had the biggest miracle of all.

Monday April 28, 2008

I had told our dear friend Alice, who had been taking care of Phoebe for us, that I did not want to see Phoebe again if she was any different than how I saw her in the hospital. I wanted to have a pure memory of her. I thought I had said my goodbyes.

As I was getting funeral arrangements together, Alice called. She said that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were there and that they had dressed Phoebe in her beautiful dress. She also said that there was something she needed to tell me, because she just wanted to make sure. Alice said that Phoebe had completely “pinked” up and looked like she was a sleeping newborn. She said that it was unusual that she should look so “good” especially since it had been a few days after she died. She just wanted to make sure that we didn’t want to see her again.

I decided to go and visit her one last time. I was nervous, elated, excited, and hopeful as we pulled up to the funeral home. Alice explained a few things and we went into the room where she was. They had sweetly placed her in a bassinet with a flower in a swan vase behind her. I walked into the room and immediately rushed to her side. I scooped her carefully up into my arms and immediately started saying, not realizing it, “sweet baby” all over again. She was absolutely stunning. Again the feelings of anger welled up inside because she was so perfect. I pushed those feelings aside and marveled at this incredible person I was holding.

There was something different from the last time I held her. I don’t know if it was because I had a little bit more time to process what had happened and I was more prepared to hold her or if it was because she was dressed in a celestial gown with a radiant face that brought more peace. All I cared about was that I was holding my baby again and her sweet spirit was there again filling the room with her love.

I realized that it would now be appropriate to let her siblings come and visit her so that we could take a family picture. I called Martin who was with his brother in northern Colorado and told him of the miracle. He came right down and I gathered the children.

The experiences that we shared as a family are very private to me so I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say that Heavenly Father knew that for this grieving family, we needed to see our daughter/sister again. Being able to hold her and take pictures with her brought more healing than I could ever imagine.

The thing that surprises me the most is how much my Father in Heaven loves me. The theme that has become a part of my daily living is “One step enough” from the song “Lead Kindly Light”. My Father was leading me one step at a time, and that I didn’t have to look too far into the future. He would provide. I have felt his unfailing arms around me. I have felt his pain, as he watches me, His daughter grieve. He still guides me one step at a time.

I will forever be grateful for the miracle that happened on that day. I saw my daughter dressed all in white. I now have a visual of what it will be like in the millennium when, if we prove worthy, will be able to care for our daughter from her infancy in a place where this is no evil.

I testify that I will see my daughter again. I know it and I feel it. I can’t deny it. To say that I understand why this had to happen would be telling a lie. I have okay days now, and I have really bad days still. But, I have never been abandoned. I love my daughter with all of my heart. I miss her with all the capacity that I possess. I will get through this, even though the refiners fire is hot.