Happenings of last week

So all week long I captured some moments that I thought would be a good thing to post for that day. The problem is, I never posted any of them! So you will just have to endure lots of pictures!

We will start off with Hyrum.... Oh Hyrum.... he is sooo BUSY lately! His new thing is the fridge and the pantry. This is what I found one morning.

Of course Hyrum, would open and shut the door saying "Peep-ba-boo",
as if he is adorable or something....

Wait, is that an onion in his hand? Yep! Go ahead Hyrum,
take a nice big bite.... :)

Needless the say, the flour is now way up high.
Thanks Hyrum, for getting my house even more baby proof!

Now on to my sweet daughter who is 3 going on 30. She has now decided that she likes to do her nails at least once a day, and that she would prefer to do them herself. I found her outside one morning, actually, now that I think about it, it was the SAME morning as Hyrum's flour incident... fun.... She and Aaron were doing their own nails. Here is her first nail job by herself.

Is that Lipstick on her lips? Nope, just nail polish... nice...

And last but not least, I had to share a moment with you that I had yesterday. Many of you know that I have had a perpetual two-year-old since Ammon was two. Well the chain hasn't been broken. The nice thing is, the older siblings have been pivotal in making sure that the up and coming 2 year old knows that tricks of the trade. What is Emily doing you may ask? Well sticking a shoelace into the locked bathroom door to unlock it of course! An invention passed down from Tyler to Aaron and on to Emily.

Our family was snuggled down for our Sunday movie,

and I look over to see Hyrum doing this. Notice the smile on Emily's face. Proud, proud sibling.

After the lock was popped, Emily, slipped into the bathroom and locked the door again. Either she wanted Hyrum to practice again, or she really needed to go!








Hyrum wasn't too thrilled about either prospect!

Went to the doctor's

Here's a quick update. We met with a perinatologist yesterday to discuss possible reasons why Phoebe died. Basically... they don't know. The placenta was "normal" and she looked "normal" which means that it is highly unlikely that she had a genetic problem and that it is highly unlikely it will happen again in the next pregnancy. We also had a chromosomal test done and that was normal as well. Overall, we really didn't learn anything new, just a confirmation that they will watch me a lot closer next time. We really do have peace that Heavenly Father just needed her home. I don't think anything could have been done differently. She was too pure, too lovely to be in this world. Even still, I miss her.

Oooo Twlight!

I hosted book club at my house last week. I have to admit, I had a lot of fun putting together the party. How can you NOT go all out when you are reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer! I realized a few things though. There are only 24 hours during the day! I had tried to cram way to many things the day of, so I had to call my friend Denise to see if she could bail me out. She saved the day! Denise helped with the Candied Apples.

Do you like our vampire stew?

Neither of us had ever made them before. Let's just say they turned out a little bit... Crunchy! Thanks Heidi for the use of your food coloring. I should probably return the rest of it to you before the monkeys find it! :)

I had a lot of fun coming up with different ideas for the book club. I ended up doing a trivia game, which in the end, we realized that none of us were true "Twilight fanatics" because we only got a handful of questions right. Let's just say, I was glad I didn't have to come up with the answers, I didn't know most of them either! It was still a lot of fun. It also brought out some interesting questions . Most of us were on the "Edward side" me included, a few were for Jacob, and some were both!


I had the most fun doing the food. Here are a couple of pictures I took. I planned on taking more, but the party was so fun, I forgot! There were 13 of us total.... spooky!

"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"
--Edward

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?"
-- Bella

The forbidden fruit :)

Overall, it was great, and I was exhausted by the end of the night. I can't wait until August 2nd for the next book. I love this series! If you haven't read it, you should. If you need more info let me know, I will hook you up!

Fun Fun Family Fun!

I finally got my way! For a very long time, I have been wanting any activity that the kids would let the kids be excited to be in our backyard. I didn't care if it was a swing set, sand box, or trampoline. Anything would be great. Well with school getting out in a week, I knew the time had come. I left Martin mowing the lawn and preparing for the "surprise" while I went in search of the trampoline.

We told the kids that if they went to bed nicely they would wake up with the surprise in the backyard. After Martin and I stayed up until MIDNIGHT setting it up, we finally got to sleep around 1 am. I had a feeling our kids wouldn't stay in bed for much longer. I was right.

5:30 am rolled around. All of the kids came to our bedroom window, peeked outside, and their faces lit up like it was Christmas morning! Let's just say, I am sure our neighbors are going to LOVE their early morning wake up call from now on!

They have been jumping all morning and my house has been mercifully saved! Hooray! Here are some fun family pictures we took.

Looking at the airlplanes and the "fluff"

(seeds falling from the trees)

Tricks from the kids

The heigth of Martin's backflip....

Sorry, couldn't end without this "normal" picture! :)

Thank You

Where do I begin? Let me start with this.

"God does notice us, and he watches over us.
But it is usually through another mortal
that he meets our needs."
Spencer W. Kimball

As I have been going through this entire process, I have been constantly amazed by the incredible outreach of love and service that our family has received. I feel overwhelmed in the responsibility to "pay it forward". I will be paying it for a very long time! I wish I had enough mental capacity to thank each and every one of you with a personal note of thanks. Please let this suffice for now.

For most of my married life, I found a lot of happiness serving other people at every possible opportunity. I loved to strengthen the feeble knees and lift the hands that hung down and to feed the hungry. My heart would hurt every time I heard of a hardship of someone else and would try everything in my power to help. It is strange, now that I am the one who needs strengthened and my hands lifted, it is difficult! I often say, "I wish I was a big girl again!" I wish I could do everything I could before we lost the baby. I am realizing though, that I am still learning about being on the other side.

I wish I could describe to you every single sweet gift, phone call, act of service and everything else I have been given. I know that MANY people have been prompted in their own way to serve me and my family. My heartfelt thanks for your obedience to the spirit. You don't know how many prayers have been answered because of your willingness to serve.

As I continue to go through this process, I realize that this is going to take a lot longer to get through than I had hoped. I so appreciate the continued small acts of service, emails, phone calls, that are still coming. It astounds me. I don't know how long this is going to take to heal from, but I am sustained knowing that I have you as my support.

A few years ago, I was pondering the scripture in Matthew 11:38: For my yoke is easy and my burden is light, and then another scripture came to my mind in Mosiah 18:8: ...and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light. I had always wondered how that Lord could be with every person and make their burdens light. It just didn't add up. And then I realized, as we take upon ourselves to live our lives as Christ lived, we are taking upon ourselves his yoke. The burden becomes light by those that have promised to live the same way. It's a two-way street! I am so grateful to all those that have helped to make my burdens light. So many people have said to me at how they are amazed at my strength and ability to get through this. I have to say that it wasn't me that got me through, it was all of you. It sounds cheesy any way I try to put it, but I really can't describe how truly grateful I am for your service to me and my family.

May you each be blessed both individually and your families for the love, support, prayers, gifts, emails, phone calls, cards, comments on my blog :), meals, watching my monkeys, and anything else you have done. I know that you will be blessed for your service. This journey is easier because of you.

Lead Kindly Light

Lead Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see the distant scene;

one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife

In the calm light of everlasting life.

These are the lyrics to the song that brought and still brings comfort to me. It was sung at the funeral and it plays over and over in my mind. I love the third verse where it talks about "those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost awhile." I can't help but think of my little angel.

If you would like to hear the music, there is a youtube link to your right. Just click on the top picture and it will automatically play for you. Thank you for all of your sweet comments and for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Chapter 5

Although MANY other events and miracles happened between Friday and Monday, I would like to skip to the day where I had the biggest miracle of all.

Monday April 28^, 2008

I had told our dear friend Alice, who had been taking care of Phoebe for us, that I did not want to see Phoebe again if she was any different than how I saw her in the hospital. I wanted to have a pure memory of her. I thought I had said my goodbyes.

As I was getting funeral arrangements together, Alice called. She said that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were there and that they had dressed Phoebe in her beautiful dress. She also said that there was something she needed to tell me, because she just wanted to make sure. Alice said that Phoebe had completely “pinked” up and looked like she was a sleeping newborn. She said that it was unusual that she should look so “good” especially since it had been a few days after she died. She just wanted to make sure that we didn’t want to see her again.

I decided to go and visit her one last time. I was nervous, elated, excited, and hopeful as we pulled up to the funeral home. Alice explained a few things and we went into the room where she was. They had sweetly placed her in a bassinet with a flower in a swan vase behind her. I walked into the room and immediately rushed to her side. I scooped her carefully up into my arms and immediately started saying, not realizing it, “sweet baby” all over again. She was absolutely stunning. Again the feelings of anger welled up inside because she was so perfect. I pushed those feelings aside and marveled at this incredible person I was holding.

There was something different from the last time I held her. I don’t know if it was because I had a little bit more time to process what had happened and I was more prepared to hold her or if it was because she was dressed in a celestial gown with a radiant face that brought more peace. All I cared about was that I was holding my baby again and her sweet spirit was there again filling the room with her love.

I realized that it would now be appropriate to let her siblings come and visit her so that we could take a family picture. I called Martin who was with his brother in northern Colorado and told him of the miracle. He came right down and I gathered the children.

The experiences that we shared as a family are very private to me so I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say that Heavenly Father knew that for this grieving family, we needed to see our daughter/sister again. Being able to hold her and take pictures with her brought more healing than I could ever imagine.

The thing that surprises me the most is how much my Father in Heaven loves me. The theme that has become a part of my daily living is “One step enough” from the song “Lead Kindly Light”. My Father was leading me one step at a time, and that I didn’t have to look too far into the future. He would provide. I have felt his unfailing arms around me. I have felt his pain, as he watches me, His daughter grieve. He still guides me one step at a time.

I will forever be grateful for the miracle that happened on that day. I saw my daughter dressed all in white. I now have a visual of what it will be like in the millennium when, if we prove worthy, will be able to care for our daughter from her infancy in a place where this is no evil.

I testify that I will see my daughter again. I know it and I feel it. I can’t deny it. To say that I understand why this had to happen would be telling a lie. I have okay days now, and I have really bad days still. But, I have never been abandoned. I love my daughter with all of my heart. I miss her with all the capacity that I possess. I will get through this, even though the refiners fire is hot.

Chapter 4

It was a girl. A beautiful, quiet baby girl. I just wanted to take her. I wanted to hold her. I saw the resident doctor struggle to hold on to her limp body. I just wanted her. They finally brought her to me. Martin held her first. I just keep saying sweet baby over and over again. She was so sweet! She was so perfect. She was just beautiful. There was NOTHING wrong with her!! Why couldn’t I just keep her and hold her forever. The doctor handed me a washcloth so that I could clean her face if I wanted. I tried. But couldn’t. I wanted to memorize every inch of her face. Every minute detail. I would stare and then I would have to look away. It was too much. Every time I took a breath it would seem as if she was breathing. I just wanted her to open her eyes. I wanted her to cry!! I wanted to take her home with me and say, “Nope, this really didn’t happen. It’s been a cruel joke, and she’s coming home with me.” Then reality would hit, I would look down at the sweet face, again, and marvel at her perfectness. Martin and I would switch off holding her. It was so hard!! I wanted to hold her forever, and at the same time. I couldn’t hold her anymore. It was too painful. When it got to that point, I offered her to Jessica. She very tenderly held my child. As she started to rock her, and say sweet soft things to her, I started to let myself recognize the sweet spirit that had filled the room. The doctors and nurse had already left the room to give us “as much time as we needed”. I watched Jessica rock her back and forth. I heard Jessica telling me what my heart knew, but what my head couldn’t get yet. That she was there. And she was.

Miracle #9 was that my good friend Denise Pearce had recently sung at an infant funeral. There she heard about “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” a non-profit organization that finds professional photographers to volunteer and take pictures of infants that died. If this hadn’t have been recommended, I am not sure what I would have done. The photographer that was contacted said that he would come at any time of night. That he would be there no matter what. At 2 am, a sweet man quietly entered the room. He very quietly spoke to Martin and had him fill out the needed paperwork. He calmly set up his camera, and took Rebecca Phoebe to the warming station to take some pictures. He then brought her to us where we couldn’t help but hide our emotions. There was something deep in my heart that knew that these pictures, although very painful to take, were a gift from heaven. He very respectively moved the baby to various places in our arms and on the bed to get some amazing shots. Phoebe was wrapped up in a silky white and purple blanket that I had bought months before. That blanket now is on our bed. It is the only tangible thing that we have that our daughter touched. It is the only thing we have to snuggle. I hold it every night and pray that I could fall asleep a little bit quicker this time. It is our consolation prize.

As he finished, my spirit just wanted to jump out of my grieving body and hug the man that gave such a priceless gift to us. How can you repay someone for that? I will never forget his kindness. I have prayed many times that his family and business will be blessed for the work that he did for me.

As Martin took her back, I had an impression that she was fading. That it was time to let her go. What a horrific experience. This was a step that I was not willing to take. How can you say goodbye to your baby? How? Knowing that she was forever going to be in those pictures was the ONLY thing that even allowed me to let her be taken her out of my sight. I just wanted to breathe her in forever.

Miracle #8 was the impression that she needed to go, and that Jessica confirmed that she had the same feeling. Martin cradled her one last time as Jessica took some pictures. She was then wheeled over to me. I spoke to her. I told her not to leave me, and that I expected her to stay with me and help me. But more importantly that I loved her, and that I would miss her terribly. As they wheeled her away, terrible sobs overtook all of us. I honestly don’t remember much after that. I remember being wheeled into a room in the farthest corner of the floor. The floor that was above the floor where all of the new mommies were with their double beds and sweet infants to hold. I got to look at a box that holds the hat and blanket that once held my baby. I got to have my husband sleep a few feet from me. I got to sleep by myself.

Chapter 3

At home I was pretty angry. The contractions were really coming and I hated them. They no longer meant that I would see my baby soon. All they were to me now was unnecessary and cruel torture. As Martin brought our ready-to-go suitcase down, I angrily unzipped it and began to take out the new nursing jammies, the pacifier, and everything else that I knew I wouldn’t need. My baby was dead. I was carrying a dead baby. The thought just keep stabbing at my clouded haze of grief and surprise. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me! Martin and I just kept sobbing and holding each other. Eventually, I squared my shoulders and said, let’s get this done. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. As I was walking out to the car with Martin still gathering things inside, a neighbor up the street pulled over and said, “So when are you going to have that baby?!” . Of course she didn’t know. I told her that we had lost the baby and that we were on the way to the hospital. She immediately threw the car into park, jumped out and hugged me. We said our goodbyes and away to the hospital we went.

I was angry as we parked in the same place we had for two previous births. I was angry as I walked past all the people staring at me outside the hospital. I was angry that I still had to sign in at the front desk, and grateful at the same time that all I had to say was my name and no questions were asked. There was a lot of unspoken sympathy on their faces.

We were led to a room. It was the same room that we were in when we had Hyrum. At first, I didn’t want that. Then, sweet memories of the birth came, and I realized, it was okay to have a birth and death in the same room. It was almost comforting to know that we were blessed in this room. Life is so close to death sometimes, and it is by the grace of God and His plan that keeps us in mortality.

Matt was already waiting in the room for us. He just happened to have been in Denver and was able to be dropped off. Miracle #3. He hugged us and I went and got dressed. Shortly after, Matt gave Martin and I blessings. It was set up that Linda would pick up Valerie from the airport and she would go to our house. I was so relieved to know that Valerie was going to be there.

They gave me an epidural right away. I was hoping they would start the pitocin as well. It wasn’t until 1 ½ hours later did they start it because Martin asked. I went through cycles of emotion over and over again. From intense sadness to pain to anger to acceptance and a whole range of emotions in between.

To add to all of this, I was having a really hard time with the epidural. I kept feeling really “weird” is all I could say to describe it. I was in a weird haze, I felt dizzy laying down, nauseous and had a headache. I really didn’t feel well!

I guess it got bad enough that Martin thought he was going to lose me too. They had to give me blood pressure medicine a few times because my pressure kept dropping really low. Martin said there were alarms going off silently all the time. The hard thing was, there was no belly strap on my tummy for the baby. I had gotten so accustomed to that thump, thump, thump, as much as watching for the intensity of the contractions. I tried not to dwell on it though. I had to do this no matter what. I had to make decisions about funeral arrangements, what we were going to name the baby, and then it hit me. What about the kids?!? How do we tell them? How will they handle it, especially sweet Tyler who has a hard time letting go of anything, including a screen door? All of a sudden my whole thinking shifted for a while, from me and Martin to our kids.

Do we let them see/hold her? How do we tell them? We were having such a hard time; I don’t think we could have been strong in front of them. And then it came to the funeral arrangements. What do we do? This is where I would get angry a lot. I didn’t want to choose a casket. I didn’t want to think about where to bury her. I didn’t want to have this big production and luncheon and make this a big sordid affair. I wanted to have my baby and I wanted to rebel. Fortunately, Heavenly Father was watching out for me.

Miracle #4 happened when he chose my doctor and my nurse. My doctor was the sweetest man. He took a lot of time with us, telling us things that he had researched for us, talked about the various options we had in determining how she died. He pulled up a chair and just listened. We asked him his opinion about what we should do about letting the kids see Phoebe. I don’t remember his suggestions, but I do remember feeling good about not letting them see her. I didn’t want to have that stress at the hospital, when that could be the last time I saw her. I couldn’t deal with their grief too. So another step had been taken. I started to realize that one step was enough for me. I couldn’t think too far down the road or I would start to freak out. I couldn’t even think about delivering, and what that would be like.

I was starting to get really frustrated that the labor wasn’t going faster. I just wanted to have this done! Looking back on it now though, I realize that Heavenly Father was giving me time to cope and adjust and make decisions before my little girl made her entrance. I just kept saying to myself, one step at a time. Throughout all of this, I had an extremely attentive nurse. She was very sweet and soft spoken. She tenderly took care of me. I didn’t know this, but occasionally as she was tending, she would quietly go to the corner and weep. With her shoulders shaking, she too was touched by this experience. I don’t know why that meant so much to me when I heard that, but it touched my heart.

Miracle #5 was when Matt and Valerie showed up at the hospital. Kristie and Linda were back at the house tending the kids which allowed me to see my sister and Martin, his brother. Valerie was a welcome relief. We laughed, we chatted, and we cried a bunch! It was so nice to have her there. It was a distraction that I definitely needed. As the hours wore on, Matt needed to be getting back to Kristie so they could go home. Valerie desperately wanted to stay and almost did, when Matt gently reminded her, that her help was more needed at home. As much as we all wanted her to stay, she knew she needed to go. I didn’t know that my labor was still going to last quite a bit longer.

At first, I didn’t want anyone in the room for the delivery and I had told Matt and Valerie as such. As the delivery progressed, I started to feel a lot of pressure. With each contraction I felt as if I had to squeeze to keep the baby in! Next door, I heard a woman who was obviously very close to delivery. I really tried hard to block out the screams, because I knew that she would probably be able to hold her sweet baby soon, and her anguish would be over. For me, I was just trying to hold my dead baby in long enough for the doctor to arrive, only to deliver the biggest heartbreak I think I would ever have to experience. I really tried to block out those screams.

I finally told the nurse that I was really afraid that I was going to deliver this baby without anyone there to help. It’s one thing when it will be a happy reunion, but I could not be alone. Not now. I would need someone to attend to my every need, and the needs of my child. I could not do this alone. She offered to check me. I was complete and the baby’s head was right there. She very quietly and quickly turned off the pitocin the slow down the contractions and then she went right out to check on the progress of the doctor. I heard him from the hallway asking if I could just hold on for a little bit longer. Sure no problem. I was hoping my torture could last a little bit longer. My nurse, Nell, pulled up a chair, right next to Martin, and sat with us. Not talking. She didn’t have to. Her presence there was so reassuring. I knew I was in safe hands. The contractions had slowed down, which led into Miracle #6.

We got a call from Jessica shortly before (?) midnight. She said she had landed and that she was getting a rental car and will be here soon. I thought she wasn’t getting in until 1 am. I couldn’t believe she was going to be here so soon. I didn’t hold my breath that she would make it for the birth, but I knew she was coming. That’s all that I needed. Little did I know that Jessica would walk in MOMENTS before the birth. I had just put my legs up to start pushing. There was a knock on the door. Nell went to the door, said, “You’re the sister.” She let Jessica and in and Jessica came right to my side. There was no time for a hello hug. As I pushed the second time, I knew that this was it. I was going to see my baby. I immediately started to cry and sob as the sweet baby came out of me.

Chapter 2

On Saturday April 19^th, I had lots of contractions! I even thought that it could have possibly been it! After a bath, and they were still coming, Martin finally put his foot down and had me pack my bags. Feeling that I was getting closer I finally complied and really was starting to get excited that we were getting closer to seeing our new little one. After I packed I was completely exhausted. It being the early morning now, I laid down to get some rest, knowing that if this was the real deal, the contractions would wake me up and we would go in. They somewhat subsided, and the next day, I continued to have them, but they weren’t as strong.

This brings us to Wednesday April 23^rd. I was folding laundry that evening and was having some really nice contractions. Martin seemed to have been a lot more interested in timing them, ever since I passed the magic week. Before that, I think he was too worried to really want to find out.

He plopped down on the couch next to me, and told me to tell him whenever I was having another one. I can’t remember the timing of them, but I knew something was different, and they felt stronger. As we were getting up to put the laundry away, I asked Martin if he wanted to kiss the very active belly. He gave a sweet kiss and then we put the laundry away. I think by now it was about 11 pm. We climbed in bed and tried to go to sleep. I know that Martin was awake for quite a while and would periodically ask from a sleepy state how I was doing. After lying in bed for at least an hour, I decided to take a bath. The contractions continued and I really hoped that this was it.

I got out of the bath and realized that the guest bed needed new sheets and that I should probably get the bed ready for Linda just in case. I figured activity may even help the progression of the labor. As I finished I had two choices. One, I go to bed and see if they wake me up. Or two, we should start the ball rolling. I really wasn’t in the mood for the middle of the night trip to the hospital, AND I felt okay about trying to get a few hours rest. I pretty much knew that I wasn’t going to have the baby instantly and that the labor will probably be a long one anyway. I also had a Dr’s appt the following morning and knew that I could get checked.

From this point on, miracles started to make themselves known. A week before this, my visiting teacher and good friend Jennifer Butler had called to see if I needed anything. I asked her if she could help with this Dr’s appointment with the kids, knowing that Martin would have been helping me with the two other appts we had had for our kids the last two weeks. She said that wouldn’t be a problem. Miracle #1. Ammon and Tyler were at school, Aaron was at preschool, and Jennifer told me to drop Hyrum and Emily off early so that I could have a little time to myself. She also reemphasized that she had no problem hanging on to them if anything should happen at the Dr’s. I really wanted a pedicure before the baby came and contemplated getting one before the appt. I figured I didn’t have enough time before, but maybe after the appt. I figured I should probably get something to eat. I went to McDonald’s got a cheese-less sausage egg McMuffin, and some orange juice and settled in to a very nice quiet mini-van. I put on a morning talk show, and thought about calling Martin. I dismissed the thought for now, and decided to call him when I was done brushing my hair and putting on my make-up. Martin, must have sensed my thoughts and called a moment later. He asked what I was doing and told him. I invited him to come along since I was “kidless”. He agreed so I picked him up. We weren’t planning on having him come. Miracle #2.

As we got to the Dr’s office, on about three hours of sleep for me, and by now, the contractions had gone a little wimpier, I was ready to see if my cervix had changed. I told Dr. Braun as she came into the room, that I had been having some major contractions and that if my cervix hadn’t changed that I would quit. She laughed and said that wasn’t really an option. I felt, that if I hadn’t changed, we were definitely going to have to discuss inducing options because I didn’t see me doing this on my own.

As I laid down on the table to measure and find the heartbeat, I asked her how I was measuring. She said that I was about 34 weeks but that was normal at this stage in the pregnancy. I was 38 weeks. The Sunday before, my belly was HUGE!! And now Martin and I both felt it had gotten a lot smaller.

Next to the heartbeat. She went to the normal place and couldn’t find it. She searched and searched for a while. She told me that I was the third person today that this happened to and that maybe it was the device not working very well. After an uncomfortable while on my back, she decided to go get the ultrasound machine. At this point, Martin got very worried, and I was trying to calm him. I figured that the baby was just hiding and that all was well. I had just felt the baby last night as late as 1 am. As she came in with the machine, we saw that the baby was head down. I saw the familiar shape of the spine and looked right where the heart should be beating. I looked really hard and knew that I was not seeing any movement. She tried several times to try and capture it a different way. Before she said anything I pointed at the screen and said that’s the heart right? She said yes, and I am not seeing any movement. I was still in denial, and at the same time knowing that what she was saying was the truth. My baby had no heartbeat. She decided to pull in another Dr. to make sure that she wasn’t missing anything. I immediately asked for a blessing. I told my Father in Heaven that I had enough faith for my daughter to be raised again. I knew that Martin had enough faith and that through the priesthood, we could have her again. In my blessing, I don’t remember anything, other that I wasn’t told she was going to live. I was told that this would be an experience for me that I can use to bless the lives of many other women. And that I would be blessed. After Martin was finished with my blessing, he placed his hands on my still stomach and prayed silently. I knew for what he prayed. I added my wordless prayer to his and yet I knew in my heart that our baby was to stay with her Father.

Shortly after Martin finished, our last hope came through the door. Maybe something was just being over-looked. As we looked at the still image again, we knew that our baby was gone. Grief over took us as we realized the gravity of what happened. In a quiet hour, in the still of the night, our precious baby, had left this frail existence. Flashbacks came as I relived this intense moment of intense surprise and grief with my miscarriage. And yet this time, through a miracle, I wasn’t alone. I had my eternal husband by my side. Knowing that we would now have to go through the delivery process, and engorgement, and bleeding, and hormones all without the baby we got ready to go get our things.

After I got dressed a nurse pulled us into another room and talked to us. I was already playing the “what if” and “If only I had” game and was wishing I had come in only 8 hours earlier, that maybe we could still have her. The first thing she said, was, “This wasn’t your fault”. I burst to even more tears, and Martin held strongly to my hand. She went through the cycle of grief and that it was okay to feel all of those range of emotions. She said it was important to not hold in the tears and to let the emotions play out. Martin instantly broke down and started sobbing. My sweet husband was trying so hard to be strong. I cradled him and he cradled me. The nurse explained what would happen and that the hospital was already notified and would be waiting for our arrival.

After trying to compose ourselves, we walked out of that clinic no longer looking forward to this big belly, still contacting. We walked out of the clinic in a thick fog of grief. I couldn’t get a hold of any of my siblings. I knew that they needed to be here. I drove Martin back to work to get his car and we drove home separately. I was sobbing and praying that I could drive safely enough to get home.

I was almost home when I finally got a hold of Valerie on the cell phone. I tearfully told her that we had lost the baby; she said okay, I will be right there. I am at Costco, I will get Jon home and I will be on the first flight. I knew she would come.