Chapter 2

On Saturday April 19^th, I had lots of contractions! I even thought that it could have possibly been it! After a bath, and they were still coming, Martin finally put his foot down and had me pack my bags. Feeling that I was getting closer I finally complied and really was starting to get excited that we were getting closer to seeing our new little one. After I packed I was completely exhausted. It being the early morning now, I laid down to get some rest, knowing that if this was the real deal, the contractions would wake me up and we would go in. They somewhat subsided, and the next day, I continued to have them, but they weren’t as strong.

This brings us to Wednesday April 23^rd. I was folding laundry that evening and was having some really nice contractions. Martin seemed to have been a lot more interested in timing them, ever since I passed the magic week. Before that, I think he was too worried to really want to find out.

He plopped down on the couch next to me, and told me to tell him whenever I was having another one. I can’t remember the timing of them, but I knew something was different, and they felt stronger. As we were getting up to put the laundry away, I asked Martin if he wanted to kiss the very active belly. He gave a sweet kiss and then we put the laundry away. I think by now it was about 11 pm. We climbed in bed and tried to go to sleep. I know that Martin was awake for quite a while and would periodically ask from a sleepy state how I was doing. After lying in bed for at least an hour, I decided to take a bath. The contractions continued and I really hoped that this was it.

I got out of the bath and realized that the guest bed needed new sheets and that I should probably get the bed ready for Linda just in case. I figured activity may even help the progression of the labor. As I finished I had two choices. One, I go to bed and see if they wake me up. Or two, we should start the ball rolling. I really wasn’t in the mood for the middle of the night trip to the hospital, AND I felt okay about trying to get a few hours rest. I pretty much knew that I wasn’t going to have the baby instantly and that the labor will probably be a long one anyway. I also had a Dr’s appt the following morning and knew that I could get checked.

From this point on, miracles started to make themselves known. A week before this, my visiting teacher and good friend Jennifer Butler had called to see if I needed anything. I asked her if she could help with this Dr’s appointment with the kids, knowing that Martin would have been helping me with the two other appts we had had for our kids the last two weeks. She said that wouldn’t be a problem. Miracle #1. Ammon and Tyler were at school, Aaron was at preschool, and Jennifer told me to drop Hyrum and Emily off early so that I could have a little time to myself. She also reemphasized that she had no problem hanging on to them if anything should happen at the Dr’s. I really wanted a pedicure before the baby came and contemplated getting one before the appt. I figured I didn’t have enough time before, but maybe after the appt. I figured I should probably get something to eat. I went to McDonald’s got a cheese-less sausage egg McMuffin, and some orange juice and settled in to a very nice quiet mini-van. I put on a morning talk show, and thought about calling Martin. I dismissed the thought for now, and decided to call him when I was done brushing my hair and putting on my make-up. Martin, must have sensed my thoughts and called a moment later. He asked what I was doing and told him. I invited him to come along since I was “kidless”. He agreed so I picked him up. We weren’t planning on having him come. Miracle #2.

As we got to the Dr’s office, on about three hours of sleep for me, and by now, the contractions had gone a little wimpier, I was ready to see if my cervix had changed. I told Dr. Braun as she came into the room, that I had been having some major contractions and that if my cervix hadn’t changed that I would quit. She laughed and said that wasn’t really an option. I felt, that if I hadn’t changed, we were definitely going to have to discuss inducing options because I didn’t see me doing this on my own.

As I laid down on the table to measure and find the heartbeat, I asked her how I was measuring. She said that I was about 34 weeks but that was normal at this stage in the pregnancy. I was 38 weeks. The Sunday before, my belly was HUGE!! And now Martin and I both felt it had gotten a lot smaller.

Next to the heartbeat. She went to the normal place and couldn’t find it. She searched and searched for a while. She told me that I was the third person today that this happened to and that maybe it was the device not working very well. After an uncomfortable while on my back, she decided to go get the ultrasound machine. At this point, Martin got very worried, and I was trying to calm him. I figured that the baby was just hiding and that all was well. I had just felt the baby last night as late as 1 am. As she came in with the machine, we saw that the baby was head down. I saw the familiar shape of the spine and looked right where the heart should be beating. I looked really hard and knew that I was not seeing any movement. She tried several times to try and capture it a different way. Before she said anything I pointed at the screen and said that’s the heart right? She said yes, and I am not seeing any movement. I was still in denial, and at the same time knowing that what she was saying was the truth. My baby had no heartbeat. She decided to pull in another Dr. to make sure that she wasn’t missing anything. I immediately asked for a blessing. I told my Father in Heaven that I had enough faith for my daughter to be raised again. I knew that Martin had enough faith and that through the priesthood, we could have her again. In my blessing, I don’t remember anything, other that I wasn’t told she was going to live. I was told that this would be an experience for me that I can use to bless the lives of many other women. And that I would be blessed. After Martin was finished with my blessing, he placed his hands on my still stomach and prayed silently. I knew for what he prayed. I added my wordless prayer to his and yet I knew in my heart that our baby was to stay with her Father.

Shortly after Martin finished, our last hope came through the door. Maybe something was just being over-looked. As we looked at the still image again, we knew that our baby was gone. Grief over took us as we realized the gravity of what happened. In a quiet hour, in the still of the night, our precious baby, had left this frail existence. Flashbacks came as I relived this intense moment of intense surprise and grief with my miscarriage. And yet this time, through a miracle, I wasn’t alone. I had my eternal husband by my side. Knowing that we would now have to go through the delivery process, and engorgement, and bleeding, and hormones all without the baby we got ready to go get our things.

After I got dressed a nurse pulled us into another room and talked to us. I was already playing the “what if” and “If only I had” game and was wishing I had come in only 8 hours earlier, that maybe we could still have her. The first thing she said, was, “This wasn’t your fault”. I burst to even more tears, and Martin held strongly to my hand. She went through the cycle of grief and that it was okay to feel all of those range of emotions. She said it was important to not hold in the tears and to let the emotions play out. Martin instantly broke down and started sobbing. My sweet husband was trying so hard to be strong. I cradled him and he cradled me. The nurse explained what would happen and that the hospital was already notified and would be waiting for our arrival.

After trying to compose ourselves, we walked out of that clinic no longer looking forward to this big belly, still contacting. We walked out of the clinic in a thick fog of grief. I couldn’t get a hold of any of my siblings. I knew that they needed to be here. I drove Martin back to work to get his car and we drove home separately. I was sobbing and praying that I could drive safely enough to get home.

I was almost home when I finally got a hold of Valerie on the cell phone. I tearfully told her that we had lost the baby; she said okay, I will be right there. I am at Costco, I will get Jon home and I will be on the first flight. I knew she would come.