Chapter 5

Although MANY other events and miracles happened between Friday and Monday, I would like to skip to the day where I had the biggest miracle of all.

Monday April 28^, 2008

I had told our dear friend Alice, who had been taking care of Phoebe for us, that I did not want to see Phoebe again if she was any different than how I saw her in the hospital. I wanted to have a pure memory of her. I thought I had said my goodbyes.

As I was getting funeral arrangements together, Alice called. She said that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were there and that they had dressed Phoebe in her beautiful dress. She also said that there was something she needed to tell me, because she just wanted to make sure. Alice said that Phoebe had completely “pinked” up and looked like she was a sleeping newborn. She said that it was unusual that she should look so “good” especially since it had been a few days after she died. She just wanted to make sure that we didn’t want to see her again.

I decided to go and visit her one last time. I was nervous, elated, excited, and hopeful as we pulled up to the funeral home. Alice explained a few things and we went into the room where she was. They had sweetly placed her in a bassinet with a flower in a swan vase behind her. I walked into the room and immediately rushed to her side. I scooped her carefully up into my arms and immediately started saying, not realizing it, “sweet baby” all over again. She was absolutely stunning. Again the feelings of anger welled up inside because she was so perfect. I pushed those feelings aside and marveled at this incredible person I was holding.

There was something different from the last time I held her. I don’t know if it was because I had a little bit more time to process what had happened and I was more prepared to hold her or if it was because she was dressed in a celestial gown with a radiant face that brought more peace. All I cared about was that I was holding my baby again and her sweet spirit was there again filling the room with her love.

I realized that it would now be appropriate to let her siblings come and visit her so that we could take a family picture. I called Martin who was with his brother in northern Colorado and told him of the miracle. He came right down and I gathered the children.

The experiences that we shared as a family are very private to me so I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say that Heavenly Father knew that for this grieving family, we needed to see our daughter/sister again. Being able to hold her and take pictures with her brought more healing than I could ever imagine.

The thing that surprises me the most is how much my Father in Heaven loves me. The theme that has become a part of my daily living is “One step enough” from the song “Lead Kindly Light”. My Father was leading me one step at a time, and that I didn’t have to look too far into the future. He would provide. I have felt his unfailing arms around me. I have felt his pain, as he watches me, His daughter grieve. He still guides me one step at a time.

I will forever be grateful for the miracle that happened on that day. I saw my daughter dressed all in white. I now have a visual of what it will be like in the millennium when, if we prove worthy, will be able to care for our daughter from her infancy in a place where this is no evil.

I testify that I will see my daughter again. I know it and I feel it. I can’t deny it. To say that I understand why this had to happen would be telling a lie. I have okay days now, and I have really bad days still. But, I have never been abandoned. I love my daughter with all of my heart. I miss her with all the capacity that I possess. I will get through this, even though the refiners fire is hot.