Doing some experimentin'

Aaron decided to make some cupcakes. His own little specialty. We even tried to cook them! Basically, I let him have a somewhat free range of my baking cabinet... generous, huh! He had so much fun though. He added a variety of ingredients and had fun when he added vinegar to the mixture that already had baking soda in it. He was so excited when it exploded! Of course he didn't understand why the cupcakes didn't firm up at all in the oven. Well, maybe next time he will add some flour!

I was thinking about his "experiment" and it made me think about life. I am doing much better this week, thanks to a lot of support from various people in different capacities. I came to realize that there is a reason why I needed to feel that complete loneliness. I realized that it is wrong for me to expect people to understand all the time of what it feels like to lose a child, and expect them to pick up my pieces. No one knows, unless you have experienced it yourself, and then no words are needed. You just know.

So back to my experiment. I decided to enjoy the little things more this week. I took joy in watching Aaron and Emily in their imaginative play. I gave lots of piggy-backs and loved hearing Hyrum saying over and over, iggy back. I took the whole family to Target to get some of my cruise shopping done when I could have easily left them home with Martin. My point is, I am trying to take away the focus from me, and putting it on the family. It's been great.

Another ingredient that I added to the mix is that I have been reading my scriptures daily. What a difference! I don't know what it is about the calm that comes after reading them. It's not like there is some huge revelation after I read them, but there are some little insights that I ponder as I go through my day. It helps me do what the late President Hinckley asked: "Let us all try to stand a little taller, rise a little higher, be a little better. Make the extra effort. You will be happier. You will know a new satisfaction, a new gladness in your heart." I do feel happier. I am grateful for a new glimmer of happiness in my heart.

I added another ingredient. I realized last week that I was doing to much on my own. My kids (husband included:) ) have the capabilites to help me more in the home. We brainstormed and came up with a plan. It has really helped this week in taking some of the load of me, AND it has helped with the Spirit in our home. It's amazing what a little bit of family teamwork can do.

The final ingredient I have added is learning how to rely more on the experience of my Father in Heaven. I know that he has experienced every sorrow and happiness that I feel. If only I can latch on to Him and not my grief, it would be a lot easier. I have to come realize a little bit more of how I can use the atonement in a different way. It's a whole other side that I have never explored before. I am grateful for the new mysteries that are starting to unfold.

I know that I will have more bad days. I hope that I will be able to handle them just a little better in the future.... we'll see. Even though Aaron's cupcakes didn't turn out very good, his intentions were pure. He wanted to give them to the neighbors. Clean hands and a pure heart, with maybe it little bit of sugar on it. I want hands like yours Aaron.