The first post is the hardest

Where do I begin? Most of you know that our sweet angel came to us on April 25, 2008 at 12:48 am. She was 7 lbs. 6oz and 21 in long. She was perfect in every way. Maybe too perfect. Our Father in Heaven saw fit to take her back to live with Him.

Since that horribly sweet day I continue to go through a variety of emotions. As soon as I feel I am coming to acceptance, it hits me again, as if I didn't really believe it.

One of the things that I witness DAILY are the miracles that I see. Along with all of the heartache and grief, I am reminded every day that I am being carried through this. Heavenly Father seems to know that needs that I don't know to ask for. From a friend stopping by on a REALLY bad day and offers to take all my kids, to another friend who watched our kids so that Martin and I could go on a much needed date.

Rebecca Phoebe continues to touch lives across the country. People that I have never met either send emails through friends/relatives and even gifts. I know that thousands of prayers have been said in our behalf because I feel them. Everyday. Thank you.

The kids have been able to adjust fairly well considering. They have a few breakdowns every once in a while but for the most part understand that they will be able to see Phoebe again. Both Grandmas gave something to the kids that mean a lot to them. Grammie Michel gave a Build-A-Bear Angel that they can snuggle when they miss Phoebe and Grandma Jordan crocheted a blanket to wrap the bear and the kids up in. Both continue to serve as a comfort for them.


Every day is a challenge for me. I am still trying to re-adjust to what life is now. For nine months I prepared for 6 kids and the challenges and joys that it would present. At the same time, my arms ached to finally hold my newborn in my arms. I guess I should be patient then, to prepare myself for what life is now. It amazes me how difficult this is. Fortunately, I have an inspired Relief Society President (who just called me to check in on me me as I was typing that, no joke!) who has been helping me so much. I get so frustrated every day that I am not able to function like I used to. I used to be able to handle so much. Now I am reduced to realizing I can hardly handle anything. I hope that someday I will be able to stand on my own two feet again.

I've had to swallow my pride quite a bit, and accept help that has been so willingly been given. I cannot express the intense gratitude I feel for all of those that have helped me this far. My burdens have been made light because of how much has been shouldered for me through my friends and family.

I go to sleep thinking about my sweet baby and I wake up thinking about her. I don't know how long this hole will be in my heart, but I do know that there is one who understands my grief. My Father in Heaven also lost a son in a very cruel manner. He too was powerless to change the outcome. Had Christ not suffered all, all of us would be lost. He could not have broken the bands of death so that I could see my precious daughter again. I know He grieves with me and understands the depths of my soul. How grateful I am that he holds my hand like I held my child's. I am not in this alone.

Thanks to you all for your love and support. We are overwhelmed by the immense outpouring of caring and thoughtful people who continue to watch over us.

We love you.